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Off the Rails/Transcript
This is an episode transcript for Off the Rails. Transcript (Scene opens to a train chugging outside the House, while the whistle blows, before the camera pans on Bob, who is running the train. The train chugs around the koi pond. Scene switches to the train now chugging inside the House, then chugs past Ichabeezer's mansion, while Ichabeezer is walking Rooney. The train next chugs past the townspeople in the town center. Bob tilts his hat in respect to the townspeople, before going back inside the cob of the train again. Bob turns the pressure wheel, blows the whistle, and throws a shovelful of coal into the boiler. Bob is noticeably sweating while doing so.) Bob: Oh boy! This is exhausting! I need a breather! (Bob closes the door of the boiler after that. The train then chugs up next to Pa Grape's store and stops.) Bob: Last stop! (The passengers, consisting of Mayor Archibald, Petunia, a corn man, and a male pea, exit the train.) Archibald: Excellent driving, Bob. I hope you can drive our trackless train every day forever. (Bob gets out of the train.) Bob: (chuckles) About that. As much as I love being the conductor, I need to take a vacation. Archibald: Vacation? Petunia, what are the town rules about train conductors taking a vacation? Petunia: (pulling out a clipboard) The town rules say that Bob just has to appoint a replacement while he's gone. Bob: No problem! (brings out Larry) My bestest pal Larry has always wanted to be a train conductor! (Ichabeezer drives up in his segway.) Ichabeezer: Now wait one minute! You can't put this train in Larry's hands! You need an expert conductor! Bob: Like who? Ichabeezer: Like me. I'm way more qualified than Larry! Bob: Not so fast! I get to pick! We'll have a contest between you and Larry, then I'll decide who's the most qualified. Petunia: Good idea, Bob! But no playing favorites! Make sure you choose the best candidate. (Scene switches to outside the House.) Bob: Here we go. Each of you will take turns doing a few train tasks. The one who does the best will be the train conductor. Ichabeezer: I'll go first! Bob: Just start the train and give it a whirl! Ichabeezer: Whirling is what I do best! (Ichabeezer enters the train cob as he comes up to the controls and cracks his neck.) Ichabeezer: Here goes my whirl! (Ichabeezer pulls on the lever, which starts the train up, while Bob writes down on his clipboard, as the train chugs around a tree, past the fence, and up the rocks and down again. The train then chugs around Bob and Larry a few times while Ichabeezer gives off a proud grin, before stopping the train after that.) Ichabeezer: Top that, Larry! (chuckling) Bob: Okay, Larry, you got this! Just drive the train around nice and easy. Larry: No problem! Just one question, what's a train? Bob: (gasps) Larry: I'm just kidding! I got this! (Larry gets in the train and starts it up as it chugs off, chugging around in circles a few times, past the fence, and up and down the rocks, while Bob and Ichabeezer watch. Bob gives a confident grin to Ichabeezer, before writing on his clipboard again.) Ichabeezer: (groans) (The train chugs back towards Bob and Ichabeezer, chugging around them in circles.) Larry: Easy-peasy! (Larry pulls the brake handle, causing the train to stop, but the force of the train stopping causes Larry to get sent flying out of the cob of the train until landing in the smokestack.) Ichabeezer: (laughing) Bob: Larry?! Are you okay? Larry: (muffled) How'd I do? (Larry gets out of the smokestack.) Larry: Did I do good? Or did I do great?! (Scene switches to the next test.) Bob: I want you to show me your steering skills. Maneuver the train through these cones. (Cut to Ichabeezer driving the train again.) Ichabeezer: I love driving trains! (Ichabeezer steers the train past the cones with ease without knocking them over. Ichabeezer then steers past the cones again and backs up the train, all while still steering past the cones. Ichabeezer then stops the train in front of Bob and Larry again.) Ichabeezer: Let's see you beat that, Cucumber! (Bob is angry, before facing Larry again.) Bob: Larry, you're up! Larry: I'm ready to do the cones thing! Bob: Remember to focus, Larry. Larry: Got it! (Larry gets in the train again and drives off.) Larry: Sometimes it's hard to concentrate with so many thoughts going on in my cucumber brain. Maybe if I focus on making up a song, I won't feel so distracted. Hmm, maybe a song about animals and such! (singing) Here's a song about ducks Quack, quack, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit No, wait, it's a song about frogs Ribbit, ribbit, oink, oink, oink No, maybe I was singin' 'bout hogs Dogs and frogs and barks and ribbits I guess I barked When I should've meowed Hmm. What's this song about now? Oh, I know. It's a song about a cat Meow, meow Hold on, I'm wrong It's moo, moo, moo Look, a bird Tweet-tweet, bow-wow Where was I now? It's a bird, dog, cat Frog, duck, hog, cow I'm kinda in doubt What I'm singin' about Not sure what this song's about now (Bob gets buried in cones as the song ends.) Larry: I did it! I hit all the cones! Bob: You're supposed to miss them. Larry: All of them? (Ichabeezer gives off a smug grin, while Bob falls over in frustration.) Ichabeezer: What's the next test? Bob: (muffled) Stopping. Ichabeezer: I'm the best at stopping! (Cut to Ichabeezer stopping the train.) Ichabeezer: See? (Larry enters the train again.) Larry: My turn! (Larry starts the train up again, driving it up a tree, but it topples backwards.) Bob: (Off-screen) Nope! (Larry next drives the train into the pond.) Bob: (Off-screen) Uh-uh! (Larry next drives the train into a trash can.) Bob: (Off-screen) Try again! (Larry next drives the train into a bush.) Bob: (Off-screen) Nope! (Larry stops the train in front of Bob and Ichabeezer, before the train then falls over on its side. Larry comes out from the cob and looks around at the toppled train.) Larry: Technically, the train is stopped. Ichabeezer: I'm clearly the better conductor! Let's get this over with! (Scene switches to Bob, Larry, and Ichabeezer meeting with Mayor Archibald and Petunia again.) Archibald: Well, Bob, have you made a decision? Bob: (nervously) Yes, yes, I have. The train conductor will be... Ichabeezer: The best one! Larry: The friend one! Bob: Uh... uh... will be... (chuckling nervously, sighs) will be... will be Larry! Ichabeezer: (laughs, stops) What? (Larry hops forward.) Petunia: Congratulations, Larry. You're the town train conductor. (Larry jumps into the train cob.) Larry: Bob said it, so I'm the new conductor, alright! Ichabeezer: Rip-off! You're playing favorites, Bob! Bob: But, I- Ichabeezer: Don't come crawling to me when you need help! Archibald: Well, train conductor, how would you like to give a ride to your first passengers? Larry: All aboard! Bob: Have fun! I'm off to my vacation! (Bob leaves after that. Scene switches to Larry now driving the train through the House.) Larry: Hmm. This train business isn't so hard. See? Bob's got nothing to worry about! (Larry tries pulling on the brake lever, but it ends up breaking while in his grasp.) Larry: Uh-oh! (The train starts chugging towards one of the walls of the House, before it chugs right up the wall.) Larry: Wah! Not good! (Scene switches to Mayor Archibald and Petunia sitting in the passenger car.) Archibald: Say, Petunia, is it just me, or is the House completely sideways? (Cut to a sideways view of the pantry of the House.) Petunia: The House isn't sideways, we're sideways! (The train then chugs upside-down on the archway of the doorway while Petunia screams. Larry finds himself falling to the ceiling of the train cob, before the train gets back on the ground again and still continues chugging non-stop, chugging up the side of the pantry, then up and over the sink before chugging out the window of the House. The train then lands on the ground and continues chugging until going through a bush, chugging further and further into the woods. Mr. Lunt is camping out in the woods, toasting a marshmallow over the fire, before looking to see the train coming his way.) Mr. Lunt: (screaming) (Mr. Lunt gets knocked into the air above the trees by the train, along with his campfire and his tent. The train still continues chugging through the woods. Scene switches to Bob rowing a rowboat in the middle of the ocean.) Bob: (sighs) This vacation is just what I needed. (Bob rows the rowboat towards a small island in the ocean, then gets ashore, before sitting on a lawnchair and wearing a pair of sunglasses.) Bob: Now this is relaxing. (The train is now chugging on one of the other islands in the ocean.) Bob: I don't have a care in the world. (The train chugs onto another island.) Bob: This is the most perfect, quiet, peaceful- (The train suddenly hits Bob before he can finish his sentence. Bob finds himself on the front of the train's cowcatcher, before he climbs up the front of the train. Bob enters the train cob.) Larry: Out of control! Out of control! Out of control! Bob: Larry! Larry Stop! Calm down and tell me what's going on! Larry: We're out of control. (The train crashes back through the bushes again and chugs up the rocks in the backyard of the House, then flies back into the House once again.) Larry: Out of control! Out of control! Bob: Ya gotta pull the brake lever! Larry, where's the brake lever? Larry: You mean this brake lever? (Bob is completely in shock.) Bob: What did you do to this thing?! (The train then chugs up the wall, which causes Bob to roll out of the train cob, then fall down the passenger car, then out of the caboose, but keeps himself from falling even further.) Bob: (screaming) (The train then chugs onto the ceiling of the House, chugging directly over Ichabeezer's mansion.) Bob: I've got to get Ichabeezer! (Bob falls towards Ichabeezer's mansion and lands in one of the trees on the lawn, then falls out of the tree. Bob gets up and approaches the front door of Ichabeezer's mansion, before knocking on the door. Ichabeezer answers the door.) Ichabeezer: Get off my porch! Bob: I need your help! Ichabeezer: And I need to own the moon! Life is hard! (Ichabeezer closes the door in front of Bob. Ichabeezer hops away from the door, when Bob bursts in.) Bob: Ichabeezer! (Ichabeezer places a safe in front of Bob.) Ichabeezer: What's that? I can't hear you! (The door of the safe pops off, before Bob comes out from the safe.) Bob: Okay, Ichabeezer, you're the best train conductor. Ichabeezer: I'm listening. Bob: I was wrong and I made a mistake. Ichabeezer: Now I hear you! Bob: I picked Larry over you even though I knew you were the better conductor! And now the train is out of control! I'm sorry I played favorites! Will you help me? Ichabeezer: Sure! Anything as long as I finally get to be the train conductor! (Scene switches to outside the House again, as the train chugs out from the chimney, and on top of the roof, before falling into another tree and chugging back down to the ground again. Scene switches to back inside the train cob, where Mayor Archibald and Petunia are now inside with Larry.) Archibald: Perhaps we can vote for it to stop! Larry: That's your solution for everything! (A driving sound is suddenly heard, which alerts them.) All: Huh? Petunia: Did you hear that? (Petunia looks out the window of the train cob to see Ichabeezer's monster truck driving after the train. Bob and Ichabeezer are shown to be driving the monster truck, before the monster truck drives up to the front of the train.) Ichabeezer: Little closer. (Ichabeezer jumps inside the train cob.) Ichabeezer: (grunts) Now this should get me access to the controls! Larry: Less explaining, more stopping! Ichabeezer: Observe! (Ichabeezer inserts the pipe wrench into the hole for the brake lever and pulls on it, while the train is still chugging.) Petunia: We're headed straight for the pond! (The train still chugs towards the pond.) Ichabeezer: We're going too fast! Not enough room to stop! We gotta go over! (Ichabeezer pushes forward on the brake lever, which causes the train to speed up again before it jumps directly over the pond and lands on the other side again. Larry falls to the floor of the train cob, before Mayor Archibald falls on top of him, before Petunia in turn falls on top of both of them.) Larry: Ow! (Ichabeezer pulls back non the brake lever again, causing the train to come to a complete stop once again. Mayor Archibald, Petunia, and Larry jump out from the train cob.) Archibald: Ground! Precious ground! (Mayor Archibald picks up a rock and kisses it, but is disgusted by the taste of it. Ichabeezer proudly comes up to Larry, just as Bob drives up to them in the monster truck then jumps out.) Bob: Mayor Archibald, I played favorites with Larry. Ichabeezer is the most qualified to be train conductor. Larry: Sounds good to me, 'cause I never ever wanna ride on a train ever again! (Larry gives the conductor's hat to Ichabeezer, who puts it on.) Ichabeezer: Who wants to go for a train ride?! Larry: Oh! Me! Bob: Now if you'll excuse me. (Bob puts on his sunglasses and drives off in the monster truck. Ichabeezer and Larry are now riding in the train, driving it at a nice leisurely pace. Ichabeezer looks out the window then looks over at Larry, who is also looking out the window with a starstruck look on his face, while the train chugs past in the backyard once again, before the camera pans up. Scene switches to Bob still relaxing on his vacation on the island in the ocean.) Bob: (sighs) (The screen goes dark, ending the episode.) Category:Transcripts Category:VeggieTales in the House transcripts Category:Finished Transcripts